The Pattern Isn’t a Coincidence. It’s a Mirror
It’s not about spotting red flags in others. It’s about healing the wound in you that’s calling them in.
You know that feeling when someone rubs you the wrong way and you can’t quite explain why? Or when the same draining dynamic keeps replaying with different faces?
This blog is for those who are ready to stop blaming the mirror and start seeing what’s really being reflected. It’s about the shift from protection to presence, from reaction to regulation, and what happens when you start living from the inside out. If you’ve felt lonely in your healing or confused by the same patterns repeating, this one will speak to you.
Over the weekend, I was speaking at a festival. Just before my talk, a woman came in, rushed, tense, with tunnel vision. She went straight for the PA system, needing to check it immediately. There was no greeting, no sense of presence. Her nervous system arrived before she did. Later, when we spoke, I explained that my talk was about why so many of us hand over responsibility for our births to the system and how we can start to reclaim it.
Her response was sharp and immediate. She said, “Not all of us. My first birth was in hospital and never again.” She wasn’t actually responding to what I said. She was defending herself against something she assumed I meant. Her body was speaking louder than her words. And in that moment, I didn’t feel the need to push back or explain. I saw it clearly for what it was; a nervous system in survival mode, reacting from a wound that hadn’t yet been met.
That’s the difference inner work makes. When you’ve been through the second level of awakening, these things become visible. Not as judgement, as clarity. In my last video, I talked about the two levels of awakening. The first is external. You wake up to the systems. You see through the lies. You question the narratives. And for a while, that feels like freedom. But the second level is internal. It’s the moment you stop pointing outward and start looking at your own survival patterns. You meet your reactions. You question your triggers and you begin to realise that most of what you thought was “them” was actually showing you something about you. Not that your behaviour is the same, but the wound driving your reaction is being revealed. This is what you are being asked to heal.
This second level can feel incredibly lonely. Because once you stop performing, once you stop defending, pleasing, fixing, spiritualising, or needing an identity to feel safe, you realise how much of the world is still stuck in those cycles. You can walk into a room and feel everything. You can speak the truth and be met with silence or resistance. You stop fitting into the old environments, but you haven’t quite landed in the new ones yet. This space between identities, between communities, between versions of yourself, is what many call the dark night of the soul.
This is an invitation to stop reaching for validation. To stop clinging to who you thought you needed to be. To stop performing and start actually being. Not the healed version of you. Just the honest one. From here, something starts to shift. You begin to attract people who are where you are. You stop needing to be heard and start feeling safe in your own silence. You no longer entertain what drains you. You stop looping in the same dynamics and start noticing them before they begin.
Not Wrong, Just Incomplete
I’ve noticed over the years, especially in the freedom movement, that there tend to be two types of people who get stuck. First, you have those who are stuck in anger. They’ve seen the corruption, they know what’s going on, and they’re absolutely right to be outraged. But they think shouting louder will change the system. Or they try to build a new one, faster, better, freer, without realising they’re still operating from the same energy that built the old one. They don’t see the irony. That any system built from fear, separation, and urgency won’t last. Because it’s still external and it’s still survival in disguise.
Let me be clear. Noticing a problem and acting on it is absolutely correct. But most people don’t realise they’re acting from a state of scarcity. From an illusion of separation. From unprocessed rage. They think it’s different because their anger is pointed at something "wrong." For example, they might be furious about puberty blockers for children. And yes, that anger is understandable. But if the response is to judge, to shame, to try and force change through surface-level tactics, they’re missing the root. We don’t change the world by fighting fire with fire. We change it by dissolving the collective energy that created the fire in the first place.
Then there’s the other group, the all love and light crew. The ones burning incense, running breathwork sessions, doing yoga and sound baths, saying “everything happens for a reason.” They look peaceful on the outside, but the performance doesn’t match the frequency. They’ve bypassed the wound. They haven’t felt the fear. They’ve just learned how to avoid it with soft words and a beautiful aesthetic. But the body knows. And eventually, it calls them in.
The rarest group—the ones I see and know deeply—are those who woke up to both. They saw the external problem, and then they saw how they were still contributing to it energetically. Not through the same actions, but by refusing to meet the fear in themselves. These are the ones who realised that change doesn’t come from control, it comes from coherence. They stopped attaching to religion or identity-driven movements. They understood that we are all connected, and they began to move through the world without an agenda. Without needing others to be where they are.
They didn’t intellectualise their healing. They lived it. They didn’t become activists about presence—they were presence.
Discernment Doesn’t Come from Memorising Red Flags
And that’s what this post is really about. It’s not about spotting who is wounded. It’s about noticing what your nervous system still expects. There’s already a flood of information out there telling you what to look out for in others. Warning signs, red flags, traits of narcissists. Scripts for “how to spot a manipulator.” It’s endless. And while some of that has value, it often does something subtle and damaging: it trains people to live from the outside in. To scan the world for threats. To expect betrayal. To constantly be on guard. It tells you that safety is found in vigilance, when real safety is found in embodiment.
True discernment doesn’t come from memorising traits. It comes from being so deeply connected to your own body, your own patterns, and your own nervous system that you feel the moment something is off, not from fear, but from clarity. Not from judgment, but from inner coherence. You don’t have to analyse them. You don’t have to diagnose them. You just know what your system is available for,and what it’s not.
You see, most people are still looking for answers in what things look like. “Avoid narcissists.” Great advice on the surface. But wouldn’t it be more powerful to become someone who is no longer magnetised to narcissists? What if, instead of fixing your lens outward, you loved yourself so fully, so clearly, that there was no wound left for a narcissist to reflect back? No hook for the dynamic to latch onto?
That’s the shift. From protection to resonance. From defence to self-leadership.
It’s like driving to a destination using two completely different GPS systems. One constantly shouts at you“Look out! Roadblock ahead! Watch that person!” It’s exhausting. You're constantly braking, veering, scanning. The other is quiet. Grounded. It knows where you’re going because it’s tracking from within. It doesn’t need to shout, because you're not in panic. You’re simply clear. The road is the same, but your relationship to it has changed.
That’s what happens when you start living from the inside out. You stop needing the world to behave in order to feel okay. You stop chasing clarity through control. And you start moving through life with real discernment. The kind that doesn’t need to justify itself. It just knows.
10 Questions to Help You Heal the Patterns You Keep Attracting
By now you’ve probably realised, if the same dynamics keep showing up in your life, it’s not just the world. It’s a reflection, and not of your worth or your failure, but of your unmet needs. Your nervous system is always trying to finish an old story. It isn’t your fault. But it is your opportunity.
This is where real healing begins, not with more bloody judgement or analysing others. But by turning inward and asking the kinds of questions that reveal what’s really alive in you. Questions that connect the dots between what you feel and why it’s familiar. Not intellectually, but somatically—in your body, in your breath, in your patterns.
Let’s walk through ten questions that will help you understand why you attract what you attract. With each one, notice what your first reaction is—and then what sits underneath that. These aren’t about fixing. They’re about seeing.
What does your body do when someone doesn’t respond the way you hoped? You send a message. You share something meaningful. They don’t reply, or they reply differently than you expected. What happens in your chest? Do you freeze? Shrink? Overthink? This question reveals your survival response. If you immediately feel the need to over-explain, withdraw, or perform to win them back, you’re likely still carrying a belief that love is conditional. The healing isn’t about making them respond differently, it’s about learning to stay regulated even when they don’t.
When someone pulls away or withdraws, what story do you tell yourself? This one usually reveals your inner narrative. Do you instantly assume they’re angry? Have you done something wrong? That they’ve found someone better? If so, your body is bracing for abandonment. This doesn’t mean the person is actually pulling away with bad intent, it means your nervous system is still reliving an old moment where withdrawal meant danger, rejection, or punishment.
What type of energy feels like 'home' to you? This is one of the most confronting questions. If chaos, emotional unavailability, hot-and-cold behaviour, or high drama feel familiar and magnetic, ask yourself: where did I learn that energy? Often, our trauma bonds feel like chemistry. But what we’re calling attraction is sometimes our nervous system recognising a pattern it thinks it still needs to resolve. Real safety can feel boring until your body learns to trust it.
Do you feel more comfortable giving than receiving? Why? If you feel most secure when you’re helping, fixing, or supporting others, but tense or uncomfortable when you’re on the receiving end, this is a huge indicator of unresolved worth wounds. You may have learned early on that your value came from what you could do, not who you are. Healing isn’t about giving less. It’s about allowing love to flow both ways.
What part of you are you afraid people will see? This is about shame. What part of you do you still hide in conversations, relationships, or social spaces? Is it your vulnerability? Your messiness? Your sensitivity? Your anger? The part you’re most afraid people will see is the part most in need of integration. When you hide it, you attract people who mirror that shame back. When you accept it, you begin attracting people who can meet you there.
When someone disagrees with you, how does your body react? Do you feel the need to argue, defend, or over-explain? Or do you shut down and keep the peace? This question reveals how safe it feels to be in difference. If disagreement equals rejection in your body, then your patterns will draw in people who either dominate or collapse around you. The work is to separate disagreement from danger, and hold your ground without abandoning yourself.
What situations make you feel small or invisible, and who do they remind you of? This one brings memory into the mix. That boss who talks over you, that friend who never asks how you are, who do they echo from your past? These are often the people who were unavailable or dismissive when you needed presence the most. The current trigger isn’t just about now. It’s your body remembering then.
Do you chase people who give you breadcrumbs of attention or validation? This question shines a light on deprivation patterns. If a little bit of interest keeps you hooked, ask yourself why. What part of you still believes that’s all you get? Often, it comes from early conditioning where inconsistent love was the only love available. Healing here means learning to identify nourishment—and learning that your system doesn’t need to survive off scraps.
What emotion do you most try to avoid feeling? Grief, fear, shame, rage, whatever your answer, that emotion is often directing your behaviour more than you realise. If you’re doing everything to avoid feeling shame, you might overachieve. If you’re avoiding grief, you might constantly distract. This question isn’t about making the emotion go away, it’s about learning to sit with it without being consumed by it.
What would happen if you stopped performing completely? What would change if you dropped the people-pleasing, the proving, the perfecting? Would anyone still be there? Would you still be worthy? This is where most of our identity attachments come to the surface. The fear of not being needed. The fear of being ordinary. The fear of not being chosen. This question leads you straight to the edge of real freedom. Because when you stop performing, the people who remain are the ones who see you.
These questions aren’t to overwhelm you, they’re a mirror. Not of who you’re failing to be—but of what’s ready to be seen.
To the Ones Who Are Doing the Work and Feeling Alone
I want to say something now to the ones who are doing this work and finding it lonely. When you start this process, it can feel like everything you once relied on starts falling away. The friendships, the conversations, the roles you used to play, the identities you wrapped yourself in to feel safe, they begin to lose their grip. And that’s terrifying. Because those things, even if they weren’t nourishing, were at least familiar.
This falling away is what people call the dark night of the soul. It’s the in-between. The space where you’re no longer performing but not yet fully rooted in who you truly are. It can feel hollow. You’ll look around and wonder where everyone went. You’ll question if something’s wrong with you. But this is not a sign you’re failing, it’s a sign you’re actually beginning.
You are being emptied of what was never you. And that process is a homecoming. When you no longer cling to the script, the mask, or the survival persona, something else emerges. Your truth, presence and your real voice. And from that place, new people will start to meet you. But not until you’ve met yourself.
If you’re in that place now, keep going. Don’t rush to fill the silence. Don’t panic when the mirrors disappear. You’re not being abandoned. You’re being shown what your nervous system is finally ready to let go of. Let it go, let it leave. Let the space it creates become sacred. Because what returns to you after this will be rooted in truth. And it will feel nothing like survival, it will feel like peace.
If You’re Ready to See What’s Really Driving You
Start with The Unity Project Mini Course.
It’s only £19.99 It’s potent and it’s where I walk you through how your identity formed in the first place, and how to gently dismantle what no longer serves you.
Most people live their whole life in a survival script.
This is your chance to rewrite it.
Want to Go Deeper Into the Roots of All This?
Awakened Self Healers isn’t a program. It’s a remembering.
It’s where we go when we’re done blaming the mirror.
It’s where we look inward, not with shame, but with curiosity.
It’s a space to practise coming home to yourself. To notice your patterns, name them, and gently release them, without force, without performance.
If you're ready to stop surviving and start actually living from who you are underneath all of it...
You’re welcome here.
No pressure. No rush. Just the door open.
You’ll know when it’s time.
Ben’s Story - Awakened Self Healers Member
Look, I’m just gonna be real. This was me.
A year ago, I was completely lost. I was stuck in a job that drained the life out of me, waking up every day dreading it, just trying to get through the week. Living for the weekend but too burnt out to even enjoy it. I wasn’t there for my kids properly. I wasn’t showing up as the man I wanted to be. I was just surviving, clinging on, pretending I was okay, but deep down, I was falling apart.
I hit a point where I couldn’t fake it anymore. I had a breakdown. Proper one , not just mentally, but physically, emotionally, spiritually. It all came crashing down.
And you know what? I’m glad it did. Because that was the moment everything started to change.
I started working with Nickita , and yeah, it’s hard to explain, but she helped me see things differently. Helped me actually feel again. Not just talk through stuff, but heal the stuff I’d buried for years. The stuff I didn’t even realise was running my life.
And I just wanna say something to the lads especially, because I know what it’s like. You get told to man up, crack on, don’t cry, don’t talk. Just bury it, stay strong.
But that’s not strength. That’s self-destruction over time.
I lived like that for years. Never talked. Bottled everything up. Always felt like I had to be the one who kept it all together. And in the end, it nearly destroyed me.
What I’ve learnt is, you can’t just keep pushing it down. It doesn’t go away. It just shows up in other ways — stress, illness, losing your temper, feeling numb, zoning out from life. You think you’re coping, but really you’re just existing.
And that’s not living.
There’s this WhatsApp group I’m part of now, it’s called Awaken Self Healers. Nickita runs it. It’s not some cheesy, feel-good group, it’s real. People on their healing journeys, sharing their stories, being honest, helping each other. Nickita posts deep stuff in there, voice notes, videos, tools that actually help. And there’s even a group call each month if you wanna join in.
It’s helped me loads. Just seeing other people going through it, knowing you’re not mad, not broken, just human. Healing’s not always easy, but man — it’s worth it.
If any of this hits you, and you feel like you’ve been carrying too much for too long — just know you don’t have to. You don’t have to keep suffering in silence just because society told you men shouldn’t feel.
That’s a lie. And it’s stopping you from living your life fully.
You can let it go. You can come back to yourself. You can heal.If you wanna check the group out, do it. If not, that’s cool too.But just know you’re not alone. And there is another way. Ben
Love this. I appreciate you Nickita. Much love and gratitude.