The Day My Nervous System Spoke Louder Than My Voice

A birth keeper’s reckoning with trauma, truth and the love that rebuilt her

In the interest of this blog, I feel it’s important to be vulnerable. I’m not superior, I’m not healed, but I do occupy the work every single day. I live inside it, choosing, over and over again, to free myself from the prison of my wounded script. To live authentically. To hold space for others to do the same. Not just in birth work anymore, but in the Unity Project too. Because we can’t heal what we won’t feel, and I’m no exception. So I want to share a recent story in the hope that it might spark courage in someone else. Maybe it helps you keep going. Maybe it helps you start. Either way, it’s offered in truth. I help women advocate for themselves all the time, show them how to navigate the maternity system, but even with all the information I possess, it was still an utter nightmare to do this for myself. The last two weeks have been a test in more ways than one. This experience has made me look deeper than I have before, as well as feel more empathy than ever for those I help. So here I am and here is my story. Because let’s be honest, there’s a lot of bullshit out there. Influencers claiming they’ve got it all together. People judging others for still being ‘asleep’ while bypassing their own pain. Spiritual egos, projecting their unhealed trauma into the world instead of going within. I’m not interested in any of that. I’m here. Raw. Authentic. Vulnerable. I hope this helps.

My Traumatic Stay In Hospital

Two weeks ago, I ended up in the hospital with what’s known as a thunderclap headache and very low blood pressure. My head felt like I’d been hit in the head with a sledgehammer. And in the interest of understanding that the body always shows us what’s going on emotionally,this one showed me loud and clear. The pain was indescribable. The next day, one of my beautiful friends, Alison, took me to hospital. The doctors suspected a brain bleed. I had a CT scan. It was clear, but because my symptoms had started more than six hours earlier, they couldn’t rule out a brain bleed. So they asked to do a lumbar puncture.

I explained I’d broken my back years ago. I told them I was terrified. That I had a history of trauma. But in the end, I agreed against my better judgment. And that’s when everything changed. During the procedure, I had a full panic attack. I left my body. I lost consciousness. I heard the doctors shouting my name but I didn’t know who Nickita was. I didn’t recognise the sounds around me. I didn’t understand what my body was for. I was completely gone. I had left my body and was looking down at a 3d scene which was completely alien to my higher consciousness. I had so much stuck trauma in that area of my body, I could not fight, I could not fly, so I left.

Then I heard Matt. The father of my youngest daughter. My soulmate. The man I love with all my heart. I trusted that voice. And I followed it back into my body. I felt them messing with my body, which suddenly felt dense. I felt the oxygen mask on my face, which was causing me more panic, as something was covering my mouth and nose. I was utterly terrified, I had no idea what was happening, I cried, I was violently shaking, and all I could do was look at Matt, and hold his hand for reassurance. For the next two hours, I regressed. I was in deep trauma. And it hasn’t just been the hospital I’ve had to recover from. It’s the memories that surfaced. Childhood trauma, I didn’t want to remember. And now I’m in it. Fully. This is the work. My body was trying to tell me something. I wasn’t listening. So it got louder. It gave me symptoms I couldn’t ignore. Although my logical mind tells me I should not have agreed to the L.P. i’m glad I did, because spiritually that ‘stuck stuff’ in my body needed to be addressed, and although it’s been vile to witness it, I truly believe I can do it because otherwise it would not have happened.

I discharged myself three days later after declining another attempt for a lumbar puncture. They were insistent to try again, but I wanted another care pathway. I couldn’t stay in that environment. I was being dismissed, spoken to with contempt, and treated like my fear and intuition didn’t matter. The trauma had already happened. Staying would have compounded it. And honestly, it gave me a whole new layer of empathy for the women I serve, those navigating maternity care, fighting for their rights, being talked down to, coerced, ignored. I’ve always stood beside them, but this time I was them. Still, as I always say: it starts with you.

And it started with me.

We can’t fix the system by changing the external

Yes, the system is broken. But if I stay stuck in judgment, if I keep firing rage and resentment at it, all I’ll receive is more of the same energy in return. That hospital experience wasn’t just a bad encounter; it was a mirror,a reflection of exactly what still lives in me. A nurse dismissed my pain, shouted at me and declined care. A doctor baffled by my ‘no’. I wasn’t being heard. I was being misunderstood. I felt rejected. This is my bloody childhood script. And if I hold those beliefs—I’m not heard, I’m misunderstood,I don’t matter,i’m too much, I’ll be rejected,can I really be surprised when I’m met with systems that reflect them?

Now imagine those low-frequency beliefs amplified across a population. Millions of people carrying that same inner wound. Is it really a shock that we’ve created a health system built on control, fear, and disconnection? The world only ever mirrors what’s inside us. My experience was no exception. It showed me where my healing still lives. I could bitch, complain and winge about the system, but the system is only a mirror of what needs healing within me and indeed humanity as a collective.

I was reminded of a close friend recently, facing threats from social services and hospital politics because of her baby’s weight. She was terrified. But before going in for the appointment, one where they were prepared to push invasive tests she hadn’t consented to she dropped into herself. She let go of the judgment of the system. She shifted her energy. And guess what? She was met by a rare gem. A doctor who told her to trust herself, go home, breastfeed her baby and made an award-winning statement “stay away from western medicine.” Mic. Drop.

That’s the power of meeting the world from a new frequency. That’s the real work. Yes, I’m still looking into the physical side. But I know, because I live and breathe this work, that every symptom has a story. And the body always remembers before the mind does.

I’m currently doing my PhD in Lifestyle Medicine. And the more I study, the more I understand: if we want to heal our bodies, we have to stop bypassing our emotions. We have to look within. And I take my own advice. This is the work I’m doing.

Changing my inner script of lack, scarcity and fear

Love has always felt complicated for me. Unpredictable, conditional, it felt spikey and steeped in shame and rejection. This is why I subconsciously sought out partners to reflect that in the past. It felt familiar and was my mirror that I did not stop to look at. I only looked outside of me and blamed the person in front of me instead of realising I needed to see what I needed to heal. Growing up, it was never soft or stable. It came with rules & darkness. It came with silence. It came with pretending everything was fine when it wasn’t. I learnt early on that being vulnerable was dangerous. That if I was too much, too honest, too emotional, I’d be left. And that belief didn’t vanish just because I started doing the work. Even after years of healing, studying, and supporting other women to rise, it was still in there, shaping how I saw the world, and how I saw myself.

So when I started speaking out publicly in 2020 about birth, about women’s rights, about what was really happening under the surface during the pandemic, I lost people. But in that clearing was a cosmic sieve, When Push Comes To Shove was born. And I met the women who became my tribe. My soul family. The ones who saw me clearly and stayed.

Still, part of me never fully trusted it. I was waiting for the other shoe to drop. That’s what trauma does. It wires you for loss.

The gift of unconditional love and a new script

So fast forward to today,I was sitting in the garden still physically wrecked, emotionally stripped bare and one of my closest friends, Giji, walked through my garden gate carrying a massive hamper. I didn’t know what to say. I for once, was lost for words! She had flowers, a huge card, and a balloon. And on the balloon was a photo of my tribe, the beautiful, bright, radiant women I’ve walked this path with. My soul family. My people.

At first I thought it was just from her. That alone would’ve meant the world. But then I read the card. Fifty-two women, From When Push Comes To Shove and the Unity Project, all organised by my beautiful friend Zoe, who has been by my side every moment building WPCTS. Women who had all come together, quietly, without needing attention or recognition, to say: We see you. We love you. You matter. Rest.

It hit somewhere I didn’t know was still so raw. These aren’t students. They’re not followers. They’re my tribe. They’re my soft place to land. They are the calm, steady love I never knew growing up. The kind that expects nothing,the kind that stays. They don’t need me to explain when I go quiet. They don’t ask me to shrink when I take up space. They never judge me for doing what I need to do to survive. This was alien to me. My system didn’t know what to do with love that didn’t want something back.

Because what I grew up calling love didn’t feel like this. It felt confusing, conditional, and sharp around the edges. It asked for silence, perfection, and performance. Love always felt tied to guilt, shame, and unpredictability. It never felt safe but this moment in the garden, it was a full-body reminder that love can be different. This is now my life, my new script, my new reality and my new frequency.

So I sat there in my garden chair, still, silent, not because I didn’t feel but because I felt everything. Something in me let go. The part that still believed love was earned, that I had to keep proving myself to stay worthy of it, finally laid it down. That’s what these women gave me—with one gesture, one moment, one act of pure, unconditional love. They gave me safety, reflection, and grace.

They reminded me of what we’re actually doing here. This is what the work creates, not just information, not just birth support, but connection,the kind that doesn’t unravel when you do.

And that-that -is everything.

She filmed it, me, raw,no bra and a mess :) I added my song ‘Breathe Again’ for good measure!

Birthing the new earth

I had to go through this. There’s no way I could carry this trauma with me into the new earth. No way I could keep holding onto this old pattern and still expect to walk forward in integrity. This pain, this fear, this old wiring,it had to be cut. Because if I don’t, the next generation will carry it. And I won’t be part of that. I wouldn’t be an authentic birth keeper, or a true educator, if I wasn’t also holding space for the babies coming through. If I weren’t helping their mamas clear the sticky, inherited stuff. The guilt. The fear. The silence. We can’t take that with us. Not where we’re going. This work is about letting it all go so we can anchor something new, something rooted in love, not shame. In soul, not performance.

I’m not perfect. I’m still healing. But I vow to stay in this work. Moment to moment to moment. Not because it’s easy. But because I’m called to, because I have to, because my heart is full. I’m held, truly held by a tribe of women who create the kind of safe space where this wildly uncomfortable work is possible.

And on a little side note for those of you who’ve followed me closely… I think I was waiting for this to happen before I could release my next book. It’s coming. And I know now, it’s going to be epic. Get ready for ‘The Mirror In The Matrix’.

Thank you to every one of you. To my readers, my tribe, my soul family. Thank you for the love you hold. For showing up. For making this kind of healing real.

If this moved something in you, or if you’ve walked through something similar, please comment below. Share your story if you feel to. You never know who it might help.

We heal together.

Always.

With love & gratitude,

Nickita

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Ready to Start This Inner Work? Join The Unity Project Mini Course

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