Had a ‘Narcissist’ in Your Life? Here’s What You Really Need to Know

The insight no one gives you about why it keeps happening—and how to finally break the pattern

First of all, let’s get something straight. I don’t think it’s particularly helpful to label people as “narcissists.” That word gets thrown around a lot these days, and while it might offer a sense of temporary clarity—something to point the finger at,it doesn’t really do much to heal the wound underneath. What we call “narcissism” is nearly always the result of childhood trauma. Emotional neglect. Deep abandonment. Unmet needs that hardened into survival patterns. That doesn’t mean it’s okay for someone to treat you badly. It simply means that calling them a narcissist and leaving it there doesn’t expand consciousness. It just reinforces judgement. And judgement creates more of the same.

We see so many posts nowadays:
“How to spot a narcissist.”
“7 signs your partner is one.”
“Why narcissists target empaths.”
And while that might give you a tidy little intellectual framework for identifying patterns, it won’t help you shift anything. You might be able to spot it quicker, but you’ll still find yourself attracting the same type of person, over and over, just wearing a different mask. Why? Because you haven’t looked within. The real work isn’t learning how to avoid “narcissists.” It’s recognising which part of you keeps calling them in. Not consciously,but subconsciously, from an ancient wound.

If you’ve had one narcissist in your life, chances are you’ve had many. Not just people, but situations. Dynamics. Environments that made you feel dismissed, manipulated, invisible or blamed. You didn’t attract them because you’re broken. You attracted them because your nervous system recognised something familiar. Something it was trained to survive. Trying to fix this by focusing on the other person is like switching seats in the cinema because you don’t like the film, but never realising it’s the same film, just a different angle. Or like screaming at a football game on TV about how much you hate football, without ever picking up the remote and changing the channel. This blog isn’t here to blame you. It’s not your fault. But it is your opportunity.

The presence of these patterns in your life is not a curse, it’s a mirror. And if you’re brave enough to look into it, gently, with curiosity, you’ll begin to see what the original wound actually was. Maybe it was a parent who didn’t see you. Maybe it was a home where love was conditional. Maybe you learned to work for attention, tolerate manipulation, or override your own truth to keep the peace. When you see that, the pattern starts to dissolve. Not because you learned how to avoid people,but because you no longer need to play that role to feel safe.

So if you’ve attracted “narcissists,” look inward, not to blame, but to free yourself. You’re not here to avoid bad people.
You’re here to heal the part of you that forgot what love was supposed to feel like.

And when you do… the whole film changes.

What we actually mean by “narcissist.”

While I don’t find the label helpful for healing, it is useful to understand the behavioural patterns we’re talking about,especially if they’ve played out repeatedly in your life.

A narcissist isn’t just someone who’s confident or self-centred. That’s surface-level. True narcissistic behaviour is rooted in deep emotional injury and an inability, or unwillingness to connect with others in an authentic, empathetic way. Most of the time, it’s a protective mechanism that formed early on when vulnerability wasn’t safe. There are a few common types of narcissists. They don’t always show up the same way, which is why some can be harder to spot.

1. The Grandiose Narcissist

This is the one people picture first. Loud, dominant, attention-seeking. They might come off as charming at first, charismatic even but underneath that confidence is an overwhelming need to be admired, validated and superior.

Traits you might recognise:

• Exaggerates achievements

• Talks over others

• Dismisses your needs

• Reacts defensively to any form of feedback

• Makes everything about them

2. The Vulnerable or Covert Narcissist

Much harder to spot. These types often play the victim. They appear shy, wounded, and misunderstood,but they manipulate from a place of emotional neediness. Their control often comes through guilt, withdrawal, or subtle undermining.

Traits to watch for:

• Uses guilt to control others

• Plays the martyr role

• Needs constant reassurance but never truly receives it

• Passive-aggressive behaviour

• Always sees themselves as hard done by

3. The Communal Narcissist

This one’s especially relevant in healing and activist communities, especially within the freedom movement. They are bloody everywhere! They appear generous, selfless and cause -driven, but the driving force is still the same: validation. Their image of being “good” matters more than actually being present with others.

Traits may include:

• Public displays of virtue or generosity

• Need to be seen as the best helper, teacher, healer

• Jealousy when others are praised

• Hidden resentment

• Helping with strings attached

• Turns nasty or overbearing when someone disagrees with them

• Publicly mocks or ridicules others (their toolbox to climb up the social ladder)

• Tries very hard to keep the illusion going and will helicopter others to keep up appearances.

Let’s Go Even Deeper

If you’ve ever been in a relationship that felt like a slow erosion of your worth—where you constantly second-guessed yourself, walked on eggshells, or felt like love had to be earned, then it’s not just about that person. It’s about the unhealed wound they walked into.

Most of us don’t realise that by the time we’re seven years old, the scripts that shape our adult relationships are already formed. They aren’t shaped by logic. They’re shaped by moments. Repeated, subtle, emotional moments that told us who we were allowed to be in order to feel safe or loved.

Three core wounds tend to live beneath the surface of almost every toxic pattern:

1. “I’m not enough.”
   This one usually begins in the smallest of ways. A parent who praised achievement more than effort. A teacher who noticed you only when you excelled. A home where being emotional was ‘too much’ and being sensitive meant you had to toughen up. You learned that your worth was conditional. So now, as an adult, you find yourself trying to earn love. You over-give, over-please, over-perform—and still feel like it’s not quite enough.

2. Fear of rejection.
   Maybe you were the child who kept the peace. Who stayed small. Who learned early that being fully yourself came with a risk. So you chipped away at the parts of you that might upset someone. Now, in relationships, the smallest signs of distance can trigger a deep panic. You over-explain. You apologise too much. You chase the connection even when it’s hurting you, because losing it feels like losing safety.

3. Fear of abandonment.
   This one doesn’t always come from someone physically leaving. Often it’s emotional abandonment. A parent who was too busy, too stressed, too distracted. You felt the emptiness before you had words for it. So now, you cling to people who feel familiar—people who give just enough to hook you, but not enough to hold you. Because your nervous system has equated inconsistency with love.

And here's the hard truth:The adult relationship that broke you didn’t create these wounds. It revealed them.

When someone with narcissistic traits walks into your life and you get hooked, it’s not because you’re weak. It’s because, on a subconscious level, the dynamic is familiar. It mirrors the exact emotional climate you were shaped in. The same conditions that taught you how to relate, how to survive, how to earn love. That’s why it’s so confusing. That’s why it feels like home, even when it hurts.

You weren’t consciously choosing pain. You were gravitating towards what your nervous system recognised as normal. And if love once came laced with fear, withdrawal, or performance… then anything different might feel foreign, even unsafe.

The Mirror

This doesn’t mean you’re to blame. It means a mirror has arrived. One that’s revealing the part of you that’s still waiting to be seen, soothed, and re-written. But because we’re not taught to look inward, we blame the mirror. We point at the person.
We try to decode them, fix them, expose them—and miss the deeper invitation entirely.

This is your work.Not to fight the narcissist. But to free yourself from the script that called them in. Because the work isn’t about blaming the mirror. It’s about meeting the part of you that’s still waiting to feel safe. To be chosen. To stop performing and start belonging,to yourself first.

That’s what healing really is. Not a mindset shift. Not another book. Not a burst of motivation that wears off by the weekend. It’s a quiet, steady remembering. It’s learning to sit with your discomfort instead of abandoning yourself. It’s noticing the part of you that wants to fight, fix, or flee—and choosing to do something different. Something gentler. Something honest.

Awakened Self Healers

And if you’re ready to be held in that process,not as a project to be fixed, but as a person who’s reclaiming their truth—there’s now a space for that. If you’re done spiralling alone and ready to walk the healing path with others who get it—Awakened Self Healers is the space. You’ll get a private WhatsApp group for real-time support, monthly live Zoom calls with me, exclusive access to interviews, and discounted 1-1 sessions. It’s trauma-aware, spiritually grounded, and free from performance or pressure.

Join now for just £6.99/month before the price increases to £11.11 on April 11.
join us now – you’ll know if it’s for you.